The Wistful Heart

In the meantime, he kept approaching me. The first thing - if I was not mistaken, he lended me some books and cassettes. The reference books for the subjects I had taken that semester. And one of the cassettes, I guessed Zainal Abidin 'Hijau'. Oh yeah, the other one was his speech recorded during the orientation session. Huh, they managed to record it? I can barely remembered the time but he also gave me food like burger for my fasting's sahur ...OMG my memory must be off now!

One time, I bought a sport jacket. It's colors were shocking pink and yellow. I wore it once and he saw it. Suddenly he asked me to exchange jacket with him! I was so shocked and without my full consent, he demanded for the barter trade, and he was also gave me a key chain with a Kaabah picture in it. Wait a minute, I don't remember we were already being a couple or not?

All I remembered, he did write a letter to me, confessing that he liked me, he wanted to go steady with me, he gave me time to think and etc. I was so confused and agitated, he was so forceful although he looked soft and understanding. I had so many questions to ask, so much ambiguity about his true self. I was wondering, was he truly 'single and available'? I heard he had so many admirers. He once was a university's YDP. He won the university's student's rep. election. He was one of the top scorers amongst the state's students in his first semester. And..sorry, I forgot to narrate that he was one of the most attractive guys in college!

But what I hate most was a fact that he did court several girls in college. I eavesdropped his friends jokingly said that he would get the most beautiful girl from the state every semester. I was ashamed and afraid that he maybe would only pass his times with me. Moreover, one biggest question that disturbed me so much was I don't considered myself as beautiful young lady. My ego won't let me to get loose. I was not that easy and I don't want to be compared and be rated by his friends. Because of that I was determined to play hard to catch. I always took my time before giving him any answer to his question.

At first, I attempted to push him away with my reluctance to meet or to talk to him always. But my attempts were futile when he was also so subtle and determined to get close to me. He was openly showed his effort to win my heart infront of my friends and his friends. I felt like a sting in my heart to see his doings, I felt hurt because I imagined that this was how he tried to court the other girls before. What a guess! How can I accept him but in the same time I struggled like hell with my studies??I was like to bloat with frustration. My confidence went so low and I was so miserable. Tried to cope with studies and fighted with my own wistful heart. To be or not to be?