Coming to the end of 2016!!! Oh my gosh...It's been a long time, isn't it? I suddenly recall this blog...my blog! I barely remember I have this...and I done my searching frantically for my email and password...hahaha. Fortunately, I had an habit to jot something that I thought will be important for me in future. Thinking that people are not really into this blogging and reading blogs anymore nowadays, I am excited just to think once again I will use this blog as my escapism, as a vessel for me to burst out my inner feelings and thinking. So, hang on.

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"My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch..." that one of the baits in Norah Jones song titled Thinking of you. But again, I can't think of anyone who can holds my hands and calms my angry and worry heart.

I was so upset with my youngest brother who is living with me. He is 25 years old and as his elder sister, I am entrusted with a responsibility to 'watch' him. Of course by my mum who is always on his side. He was like wandering soul before, he failed his final year's exam at university and never want to repeat it. Now, he is working. Thanks to my husband who was helping him to get the job. I had talked with him a year ago, about starting fresh with new determination. I hoped he would study again and graduate successfully.

What annoying and really upsetting me right now, within a year, he got to know someone and now he and his girlfriend are planning to get married....this year????I don't see his effort to improve his life..well...uhh..not enough...Please someone tell me...must I worry about him anymore? He is 25 years old!!!Goshhh...He used to spend lavishly,I didn't ask much from him. I never ask him to pay me a single cent for letting him stay with me, I just hoping he will try to recollect his life to a better standing. My parents had spent thousands to support his cost of studying and spendthrift style of party life for nothing!!!

Enough is enough! I am giving him a cold shoulder right now. I am so frustrated until no words I can say to him. Saying anything is only a waste of time. I feel like want to whack something or someone...and for how many times...???...I hate to be responsible or feel responsible..why must an elder sister has to take care her sibling...Hate this ....

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

What I gotta do to make you love me?
What I gotta do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?

What do I do to make you want me?
What I gotta do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

(Kenny G solo)...

Ooo It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

What do I do to make you love me?
What I gotta do to be heard?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
What've I gotta do?
What've I gotta do?
Sorry seems to be the hardest woooooooord.
Hardest word.

Lonesome Night

I stayed up until late of the night. Got so many things to be done. But it is difficult to concentrate. My mind keep wandering..I kinda of missing something that I am not sure what it is. When I feel like this I will listen to Eric Clapton's song>Wonderful Tonight. The song reminds me of my most beautiful moment in life.

Why is it like this...I miss something..those flashbacks that keep appearing in my mind is a place, a downhill with all green, a sunny day, I love the smell of dried grass, birds fly everywhere, a breezy day...

Why should I feel lonely while I am in a crowd? I guess I complicate things...I wish I can be so simple.

Wind Of Change

Yeah...maybe...I remember when I was little, I was a very outgoing little girl. I seldom afraid of challenging things - I did anything I like. I longed to be known by others for my diligence and bravery acts in many things. I was so friendly (I thought so) and bubbly even to people I just knew. I was like a tomboy but still played girlish things with my girlfriends. Anyhow, I played football, climbed trees and sometimes fought with the boys.

I don't have things or secrets to hide from my friends. My childhood was not really smooth anyway. But I was always very happy and contented with my childhood. At least until I was 12 years old. However I did change as time went by. I slowly became absolute bitter and angry teenage girl.The cheerful and bubbly me had turned to a cold and harsh teenage girl. There were so many reasons why I changed drastically.

(Sigh) Having parents who fought all the times was hard ..Since I was a child, my dad and mum were always had matters to start a 'war' at home. I used to watch my mum and my dad ended up hit each other...oh my gosh...I don't mean to tarnish their images..they are my parents and they do have a strange ways to show their love to each other! I couldn't understand them until now. But they survived as a married couple for almost 45 years!!!!

I never realized before how those years really affected me in many ways. How deep they 'wounded' me ...I grew up and been thinking that marriage is a very insecure relationship yet you have to enter into it as a prerequisite to life completion as a human being. I keep thinking that at the end of my life, as a woman, I will be betrayed by my husband - he will go to another woman and I will live my life alone when I get older. (geezz) Or else if you want stay put in your marriage, you have to accept all the miseries of life. Gosh...

BUT...I grew tired of worrying, I wanted to be free...I wanted to be happy...I want to do everything without fear...like ME ...The little brave girl in a long time ago. The desires were so intense inside me. Like a flame that burning forever. Now, I am more happy than in yesteryear...I don't want to look back. I am happy because I am able to do more what I want to do nowadays. My husband seems can understand it. I don't know what he is really thinking of it. ..and I care less to know it. (LOL)

Sometimes I am laughing on myself. Why now? I want to do new things. No matter how small it is...even doing this...blogging is really new to me. But I don't care..I never really can open myself in front of people...but here I feel like I can tell everything...everything...even if whoever reads this maybe will do a judgmental call. But I don't mind. People make choices all the time. They either like something or they don't. I take what can enrich my mind, I discard things that cannot be anything to me. I accept "differences". I take "differences" as something that will always complement me here and there. Thinking like that soothe me and I feel relieve.

Corinne Bailey Rae Vs Yunalis @ Yuna

I am relaxing right now..listening to Corinne Bailey Rae's songs. Ahhh...her songs really refreshing me...It is like lying down on a marble floor with soft breeze brushing your face. Cool and nice!!! I just listened to YUNA, a new singer from Malaysia. She's amazing!!! I just got to know her because of one of her songs. I thought she is from the neighboring country...I love her version like After Midnight, Deeper Conversation.So many of her fans referring her voice like Corrine Bailey Rae and here I am, enjoying myself to Corrine, John Legend and John Mayer and hers of course!

Anyway, long time before, I used to listen to Norah Jones collection and Jason Mraz. What a wonderful voices they have...Sometimes I imagining myself singing as beautiful as they are...LOL..(Sigh)...not even in my wildest dreams...

Moon Walker

It's already Friday today!!! My gosh...I was like walking on the moon...I couldn't stand still at one place for too long...I have to keep moving physically (and mentally). This week just gone away as fast as the sunlight struck the earth. I am very busy at work. From Monday to Friday I attended a short course on action research. I was asked to write a report and will have to submit it on 14th July.Hmmm....