Wind Of Change

Yeah...maybe...I remember when I was little, I was a very outgoing little girl. I seldom afraid of challenging things - I did anything I like. I longed to be known by others for my diligence and bravery acts in many things. I was so friendly (I thought so) and bubbly even to people I just knew. I was like a tomboy but still played girlish things with my girlfriends. Anyhow, I played football, climbed trees and sometimes fought with the boys.

I don't have things or secrets to hide from my friends. My childhood was not really smooth anyway. But I was always very happy and contented with my childhood. At least until I was 12 years old. However I did change as time went by. I slowly became absolute bitter and angry teenage girl.The cheerful and bubbly me had turned to a cold and harsh teenage girl. There were so many reasons why I changed drastically.

(Sigh) Having parents who fought all the times was hard ..Since I was a child, my dad and mum were always had matters to start a 'war' at home. I used to watch my mum and my dad ended up hit each other...oh my gosh...I don't mean to tarnish their images..they are my parents and they do have a strange ways to show their love to each other! I couldn't understand them until now. But they survived as a married couple for almost 45 years!!!!

I never realized before how those years really affected me in many ways. How deep they 'wounded' me ...I grew up and been thinking that marriage is a very insecure relationship yet you have to enter into it as a prerequisite to life completion as a human being. I keep thinking that at the end of my life, as a woman, I will be betrayed by my husband - he will go to another woman and I will live my life alone when I get older. (geezz) Or else if you want stay put in your marriage, you have to accept all the miseries of life. Gosh...

BUT...I grew tired of worrying, I wanted to be free...I wanted to be happy...I want to do everything without fear...like ME ...The little brave girl in a long time ago. The desires were so intense inside me. Like a flame that burning forever. Now, I am more happy than in yesteryear...I don't want to look back. I am happy because I am able to do more what I want to do nowadays. My husband seems can understand it. I don't know what he is really thinking of it. ..and I care less to know it. (LOL)

Sometimes I am laughing on myself. Why now? I want to do new things. No matter how small it is...even doing this...blogging is really new to me. But I don't care..I never really can open myself in front of people...but here I feel like I can tell everything...everything...even if whoever reads this maybe will do a judgmental call. But I don't mind. People make choices all the time. They either like something or they don't. I take what can enrich my mind, I discard things that cannot be anything to me. I accept "differences". I take "differences" as something that will always complement me here and there. Thinking like that soothe me and I feel relieve.